I can't get over trad wives and mormon mommies.

Today's post has been something I've thought about for years. With the rise of "trad wives" on social and the new show "secret lives of mormon wives" - it's now something I have to get my thoughts out on.

Plus, two very awesome Substack authors; Sara Peterson and Anne Helen Peterson (not related!) do a ton of musings around motherhood portrayal online. So here we go!

Before I became a mom, I was overly invested with a young NYC mommy blogger (I didn't know she was mormon) known online as "Taza". I stumbled upon her page and was instantly drawn to her curated life. At the time she was about to give birth to her second (her first was just over a year old) she had adorable "athro-girl" style. She was married to a finance beard who loves ties. In short; her presentation of mothering made it look awfully heavenly (pun intended). I thought to myself; THIS is what I want! How adorable, how perfect! Fast forward 10ish years - she has 5 kids; the pandemic blew her up b/c she decided to take a trailer and high-tail it outta NYC at the peak of covid; and she was kinda cancelled. She made a swift and IMO sad exit off of the digital sphere a few months later after a failed book launch where she could have very much dissected how she presented parenting online but glossed over it entirely ( very mormon of her....?).

I could probably do an entire thought thread on her but honestly.... do we really care? My point here is that Taza was the mormon gateway drug for me - she set this stage (which I now know to be a massive charade LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL) for what mothering & wife life could and "should" look like.

Now in 2024 accounts like "Ballerina Farm" and various other trad wives have exploded. Spending time exploring how these presentations represent larger themes in the realms of patriarchal control, power, wealth, & privilege is not an exercise I can thoughtfully articulate.... but it's caused me to reflect greatly on where I find myself landing in this narrative.

I think it's important to note that even though I mostly, very much agree with critiques of trad accounts - the massive backlash these accounts have faced re-enforces that women and mothers - can't EVER win. We're always, always going to fall short. That said.... the curation these women present .... I mean... I laugh....it can't be real? Maybe in the universe there are moms with 5+ kids who bake all day, have no childcare help, look effortlessly perfect and just win on all fronts but is this what we want parenting to be? It's really aesthetically pleasing to look at but for me ... I find it a little boring (is that rude?!).

I like the moms who take care of themselves; who want to dress up , but who also will show up to drop off sometimes looking like a deranged night bat whose been hit by one too many broomsticks. Kids can be crazy . If someone says parenting is easy I think they are lying. It's many wonderful wild conflicting emotions & everyone will experience things uniquely but from various conversations I've had with parents .... it generally feels like we're all just the kid on the back of the rollercoaster whose screaming cause we're having the time of our life but also thinking "WTF? why? HELP? Can I get off now? Or wait.... it's taking a second spin... upside down."

I have found great comfort from sharing all the colours of the parenting rainbow (red for rage!) and yet.... I still can't stop feeling like the mormon perfection depiction is intriguing to me. I know it's not quite real. I don't believe I want that life; but I am endlessly fascinated by it. Maybe b/c it's so different from me? Maybe b/c the noise to be a perfect wife and mother still screams so loudly in the fabric of our society that we can't quiet it no matter how hard we try to escape it?

I think forward a lot to how our children (daughters in particular) will feel about parenting and mothering. Will the desire for perfection end with us? Will we break the shackles of shame? Of expectation? Of holding it all together? With so many moms barely holding on these days I really don't know. BUT I remain hopeful that simply speaking about it is changing the narrative and the thinking & the barrage of overwhelm around it. I also have 2 90 year old grandmothers still alive who constantly remind me.... women really have come far ( kids and their antics tho I think that's timeless ).

The one thing that has now made sense to me 5 years into parenting is to find people who lift you up - who feel aligned with the values and morals you have, who validate your experience. No matter what you see online .... how we see those around us with our own eyes is what really matters. And of course, everything we do .... whether it's baking bread fresh or buying it from a superstore... it is full stop good enough.